Down but not Out

This has been a difficult time for my family. My husband is in his 3rd month of unemployment. I see friends and family all around me who have been out of work for months, years....it's frustrating. I have good days and bad days when it comes to my attitude about everything. I hate that I am swayed by my emotions. I want to be steady, confident that God has everything under control and not be anxious. On the one hand...I know that God is good, he has a good plan for our lives, he has proven faithful in the past and he will continue to be faithful. On the other hand...I want to stomp my foot like an indignant child and demand that God do it MY way and NOW! Money wasn't overwhelmingly abundant before my husband was laid off, but if the car broke down, we had money in savings to handle it. If we wanted to go on a short vacation, we could. Every month, bills were paid easily, debt was going down, money was safely tucked into savings. I had started working part-time and for the first time in our marriage money was finally not such an issue.

Then the day came, April 1st of all dates, that everything changed. We've been down this road before... loss of a job, but this time it seems more difficult.

So, I have a choice to make...daily, sometimes minute by minute. I can praise Him in the storm and trust, or succumb to anxiety and worry. I feel weak. I keep turning to my Bible...what else can I do? I read familiar passages that bring me comfort and I look over the notes I've written in the margins. I'm looking for that peace that passes all understanding, that unwavering calmness at the core of my being that acts like a well for me to draw from when my thoughts and attitudes start to turn south. I want to learn to abide in him, to meditate. Not a new age kind of meditation......an inward preoccupation with God's word.
I tried meditating on one phrase the other day. It came from Psalm 9:9b "A stronghold in times of trouble." I began thinking about what I had been leaning on as my stronghold. Well, whatever it was, it's gone now. My true stronghold, that doesn't disappear in times of trouble, is my Lord.
Thing is.... I KNOW that in my head, but in my heart.....well, I need to work on that some more.

I turned 40 this year. If I live to be in my 80's, I'm about 1/2 way home. When I was in my 20's I thought I'd be much wiser at 40 than I feel I am. Oh, I've learned many lessons, but I'm sometimes humbled to realize how many more lessons I've yet to learn. I'm also frustrated by how many lessons I have to relearn over and over and over again.

1 Peter 5:6-7 says "Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because he cares for you." I read that this morning. The "mighty hand of God" kept running through my mind. At first it seemed oppressive, like this giant hand was pushing down on little me. But God gives me freedom, not oppression. Then I began seeing his mighty hand as a source of strength and security. Do you remember being a little girl, or boy, and just playing and running through the grass with not a care in the world? Getting lost in your imagination with no worries of how you will eat or have clean clothes to wear or have a home to live in? Even though things were tough financially for my family growing up, my parents always took care of me. I had no need to worry. A blissful, worry free life. How much more does my heavenly father want to provide that same security and freedom to me as an adult! It's like He keeps telling me, "It's ok Stacey, I've got this!" but I have to humble myself and get out of his way. Kinda like in a ballgame when 3 outfielders go for the pop up ball but one of them "calls it" and the other two back off. God called it, I need to back off. He's a much better ball player than I am :)